WHY IT CAN BE HARD TO CONNECT
Shame is the rotting root of many relationships and is the connection killer that prevents us from having positive, loving, and healthy connections. It will seduce you into secrecy, insist on silencing your voice, and ultimately result in self-hatred. Over time, shame develops a myopic perspective that everyone around you is judging you. Sound familiar? Being in a relationship with someone who struggles with shame can feel isolating, frustrating, and even hopeless as we make attempts to connect without being able to pass through the lens of shame our loved one is dealing with.
How do we overcome what can feel like a mammoth mountain of disconnection and come out on the other side to find true connection and love in our relationships?
It’s not easy building connection with those we love when we have to plow through their shame in order to do it. But remember, our struggle is not against flesh and blood...but against spiritual forces of evil
(Ephesians 6:12). Not reacting negatively to those who are debilitated by shame and therefore impending self-hatred requires intentional practice and persistence; it also takes genuine love. To help you push past the force of shame and find meaningful, authentic connections with your loved ones, here are four action steps to take:
4 WAYS TO HELP PEOPLE IN SHAME CONNECT AGAIN
1) Remember where you came from. It’s impossible to build connection without humility, empathy, and compassion. The truth is, many years ago I struggled with shame —I understand first-hand the feeling of being judged and therefore isolating myself from those whose opinions of me I feared. This is something we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives. Humbling myself and remembering where I came from (not staying there, but simply remembering) allows me to be empathetic and compassionate towards what others stuck in shame may be going through. Compassion disarms shame so that we can build genuine connections with people.
2) Nobody likes a braggart. There’s really no need to parade our accomplishments around in the face of the broken. Sometimes in our well-meaning efforts to motivate and encourage, we flash around our shiny accomplishments but this only reinforces to those battling with shame that they are less-than. Let me be clear, I’m not saying that we need to
silence the testimony of Jesus Christ and what walking in relationship with Him brings, I’m simply imploring us to use some emotional intelligence and understand that the point is to build connection. The Bible is clear that it’s never been our accolades nor our accomplishments that brought us into a relationship with God, rather it is God’s kindness that leads us into repentance (Romans 2:4). In other words, kindness has the power to turn destructive mindsets around (repentance); and truly, we could all use a little more kindness in our lives.
3) Give hope without conditions. Sometimes in our zeal to give people hope, we unintentionally send the message that they need to change to be loved and accepted. People battling shame see themselves and their lifestyles as a problem, so they focus on areas where they will potentially be judged and isolate themselves. In order to rebuild any connection that shame is attempting to deteriorate, you have to be certain that connection isn’t about correction, and rather meet people where they are without judgment.
4) Show a genuine interest in their lives. It can be challenging to find interest in people’s lives when they aren’t motivated, seem to be stuck in the mundane, or lack vision for their life. Beyond that, often when people live in shame, fantasy becomes a way they sustain themselves and numb the terrible pain of reality, making it even harder to connect. For instance, a close family member, let’s call him John, believes he’s going to win the lottery. I don’t just mean he is hopeful that he may win the lottery one day, I mean he believes it’s going to happen at any point. He’s literally looking for his ticket out of poverty. In truth, he’s looking for his ticket out of shame.Sometimes, in an effort to connect, we take away people’s fantasies because we don’t want to agree with delusion, but all that does is leave them with no place to go and it pulls them further into shame. Show genuine interest in people by visiting their fantasy from time to time. Just listen, and you’ll discover subtle ways to be interested in their interests which will authentically restore connection.
THE ULTIMATE WAY TO CONQUER SHAME
The ultimate way to conquer shame comes through our willingness to be vulnerable. Being open with our emotions and our needs requires risk, but vulnerability is the healing salve for restoring connection. The apostle Paul wrote, “We were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well ” (1 Thessalonians 2:8). He was willing to let his friends see the real him in every facet (emotional exposure as well as his failures and his successes).
If we desire healthy, whole, connection in our relationships then we must live open-hearted lives, without shame, and we must be relentless to rebuild connection in the relationships that shame has attempted to destroy. Brené Brown puts it perfectly, “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Whether you’re isolating yourself from connection with others or you are struggling to connect with those who may be trapped in the snare of shame, I want to encourage you that being vulnerable (confessing your sins with one another and living your lives open) is the courageous step that needs to be taken to not only overcome shame but to regain connection in your relationships.
Do you have any testimonies of overcoming shame in your relationships in order to find connection? Are you currently praying to overcome relational disconnections in your life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
To understand the difference between shame and conviction, read my blog The Most Underrated Weapon Of the Enemy , or to gain more insight on the power of connection, check out my podcast: The Power of Shame, Compassion, and Connection .
