Kris Vallotton • Feb 14, 2019

What God Really Thinks About Divorce

Lately on the blog, we have dialogued about the importance of healthy marriages and their profound impact on culture today.I propose that the restoration of family and marriages will change the world, define destinies, and alter the course of history. However, the unfortunate truth is that there are many Believers who have suffered the pain of broken marriages, ultimately ending in divorce.


So what do we say to our brothers and sisters who have experienced the heartbreaking end of a marriage?


The difficulty with speaking to the body of Christ on this subject is convincing divorced people that they are completely forgiven and blessed by God, without giving those in tough marriages permission to quit!


I’m concerned that in our zeal to keep marriages together—a good and noble thing to do—we have completely marginalized an entire people group, who, by the way, are often in immense pain!


We’ve marked divorced people as our modern day lepers and banished them from connection to the Church family. In some church circles, divorce is equal to the unpardonable sin. People who have been divorced are treated as if they have the plague: they can’t serve in the church and they are not trusted.


I’m not okay with exiling a third of the church to the ice castle of shame simply because they have failed in one area of life. It is our call and responsibility as the Body of Christ to redeem and restore into the fold anyone who has been through a divorce!


PLEASE DON’T MISUNDERSTAND


The gospel is always redemptive because Jesus died to redeem mankind from all of our brokenness! Therefore whenever we apply the scriptures in a way that is unredemptive, creates hopelessness, or reduces a person’s destiny to their history, we have missed the point of the Gospel! This can pose copious challenges when the Church has the responsibility to love people in messy situations without championing choices that God is not in favor of.


I do not think divorce is “okay” and I’m not at all saying that if you’re in a hard marriage that you should give up! I love marriage and have been happily married for over 40 years. Please hear me! My son went through a divorce and it was one of the most painful experiences my family has ever been through. It was truly excruciating!


So I personally understand that when God says we shouldn’t get divorced, it’s because He wants to protect us from heartache. When God says “no” there’s always a reason. So let me be clear:


1. I am totally against divorce! Marriage is a covenant you make for life.


2. Marriage isn’t something you try out to see if you are compatible. You work at it every day because you made a covenant; you came into this relationship to lay down your life for one another.


3. Psychologists say that divorce is the second most stressful thing that you can experience in life, ranking just below the death of a child.


4. Getting divorced because you are not “happy” usually begins a descent into a pit so deep that it takes an act of God to recover from.


5. My son went through a divorce and it nearly destroyed him, his children, Kathy and me. I laid on my couch for 6 months depressed and unable to function. The stress caused my son to have MS-like symptoms for four years, and most importantly, it did untold damage to my grandkids. Thankfully, ten years later, we are all recovering. Praise Jesus!


6. When God says things like “NO,” or “DON’T,” it’s always because sin hurts people. God is not trying to control people or He wouldn’t have given us a free will or provided choices (like planting two trees in the garden).


So the idea that I would EVER do anything to promote divorce would be ridiculous and insulting. I have spent my life helping to save marriages, restore relationships, and empower people to live in covenant with joy and peace!


Now that you understand I’m a huge fan of marriage, we have to take a look at how we treat those who fail at it. We’ve ALL failed at one point in our lives, and yet God still uses and redeems us! In fact, nearly half of the Bible was written by murderers!


THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS


Here is the challenge: there are millions of people in the United States alone who are divorced and remarried. In my first 3 years as a pastor at Bethel Church, I was one of our primary marriage counselors. I averaged 6 appointments a day, 3 days a week, for all those years. I began those years with dogmatic, black-and-white perspectives on many issues, but especially on marriage and divorce. The problem was that my simple, theological perspectives, were irrelevant to many of the complex situations that I found myself trying to resolve.


Let’s look at a practical example: Say John and Beth get divorced for unscriptural reasons. Years pass and John remarries and has two kids with Ann. Meanwhile, Beth remarries Tom, who is also divorced and his ex-spouse is remarried. Now Beth and Tom end up in my office with serious marriage problems and, oh, by the way, they have had two biological children since they have been married for a few years. What do forgiveness and repentance look like for them? How can they lay a foundation to start fresh?


Do I tell them…


1. You are both committing adultery so you need to ask God to forgive you. But you also have to understand that God won’t help you restore your relationship because you both have sinned against heaven, so you will live the rest of your lives without the blessing of Jesus on your relationship.


Or do I say…


2) The two of you must ask God to forgive you and bring forth fruit of repentance by divorcing each other. The only marriage God can bless is your first marriage, therefore you must convince your original spouse to divorce their spouse and reconcile with you. Then we will help you figure out how to integrate your two children into your families by sharing joint custody.


Or perhaps I tell them…


3) The two of you must make things right with God because you’re living in adultery. Therefore you need to get a divorce and share custody of your children.


Or maybe my fourth option is to say…


4) There is no Godly solution to your problem. No matter what the two of you do, you can never be blessed even though you’re forgiven. You both screwed up and you must live with it!


This is just one of the very common scenarios that I faced weekly as a counselor and pastor. If you think that this is rare then you haven’t done much counseling. Through this experience I learned that it’s easy to have dogmatic answers to problems that you don’t really have to face yourself! Unfortunately, the world is much more complex than what a single principle will solve.


ARE WE TELLING PEOPLE THAT COHABITING IS BETTER 

THAN MARRIAGE?


Let’s continue taking a look at how we approach divorce…


If we say you can’t remarry after divorce, do people who live together instead of getting married have an advantage?


If Steven lives together with four different people over 15 years, and then finally decides to settle down and marry, the church celebrates him and the fact that he finally “gets it”! He isn’t met with shame and judgment, but rather relief and celebration!


But why can’t we apply this same celebration to someone who tried really hard to do the right thing (get married instead of just living with someone), who failed (like we all do and have in life) and then wanted to do the right thing and do better the second time around and get married again? Do you see the double standard here?! When Christians can’t find a rule in the Bible that applies to a situation they often don’t know what to do! And yet a double standard is unjust and not an appropriate answer to this challenge!


SO WHAT’S THE ANSWER?


Jesus has an answer for every situation! There’s no person, no relationship, no situation that is so bad or so complex that He cannot create a redemptive solution out of it that will ultimately lead to joy and peace for those who remain repentant and humble. The gospel is always redemptive because Jesus died to redeem mankind from all of our brokenness!


If we cannot find the answer to our challenges in black and white in the Bible, then we have to go back to our core values of who God is and start thinking from the heart of God! He’s a Redeemer who paid the ultimate price to make beauty from the ashes of our lives!


If you have ever been divorced, I bless you and say that you are forgiven! May mercy and grace flow into your life right now. I release you from anything you are holding onto from the past and encourage you to let go today. I apply the blood of Jesus to you, whether the sin was against you or whether you were the one who sinned, and say that you are now cleansed and made new. You’re not a leper! Divorce is not the unforgivable sin! And if God can use murderers to write the Bible, certainly He can forgive and recommission you!


If you are reading this and have never been divorced, I want to challenge you to repent from any judgment you’ve carried in your heart and ask God to help you gain HIS perspective on divorce. Let us be the kind of brothers and sisters who love, welcome, and champion our family into the freedom and redemption that Jesus paid for ALL OF US to have!


I know this is often a tricky subject to talk about and I don’t pretend to address the whole situation in one blog post, so I want to encourage you to check out my podcast called Life After Divorce. You can listen to it here , or in iTunes, Spotify, or Google Play.


As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!


THE BLOG

Discover more blog posts

4 Physical Habits That Lead To A Healthier Spiritual Life

By Kris Vallotton • 02 Oct, 2024
In a world that constantly demands our attention, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Social media, with its endless notifications and comparisons, can fuel stress and anxiety, leaving us depleted and disconnected. The pressure to keep up can quietly erode our sense of peace and well-being, and oftentimes we are left wondering “what happened?” Picture this: It's 2 AM, and you're still laying in bed scrolling through your phone, eyes burning from the blue light. The alarm is set for 6 AM, but sleep seems like a distant dream. You know you should put it away, but something is drawing you back in. Sound familiar? You're not alone. In fact, this scenario is playing out in homes across the world, night after night. But what if I told you that this seemingly innocent habit could be wreaking havoc on your spiritual well being? Beneath the surface of these digital distractions lie deeper spiritual realities. The Bible reminds us that we are not merely bodies or minds, but eternal souls. Ephesians 6:12 says “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” When we lose sight of this truth, we open the door to struggles that impact our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. What I’m getting at is, the enemy will use the physical things of this world to lure us into a spiritual stronghold. Some of the problems that you may be facing today may be more spiritual than you think, but they can be solved in the physical! Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." How true this is! But in our fast-paced, always-on world, finding that joy can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. So, how do we reclaim our joy and restore balance to our lives? Let me share with you 4 simple yet powerful physical habits that can lead to a healthier spiritual life: 1. Stop Forsaking Sleep There was a study done quite a few years ago that showed that since the invention of the lightbulb we are getting an hour less of sleep per night than before! Now we have smart phones that charge an arm's length away from our pillows constantly calling for our attention. Psalm 4:8 says “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Create a bedtime routine, dim the lights, and put away those screens. Your brain will thank you. 2. Soak Up the Sun We've become a society of cave dwellers, spending most of our time indoors. But our bodies crave sunlight! Make it a point to step outside every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Let the warmth of the sun remind you of God's constant presence in your life. God made a beautiful creation, go outside and enjoy it! 3. Manage Your Stress In a world where bad news is just a click away, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. The reality is that we weren’t created to be all knowing, and we are unable to bear the burdens of the world. Only Jesus can do that! God tells us in Philippians 4:6-7 , "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Take time to disconnect, pray, cast your cares on him and find peace in His presence. 4. Move Your Body Our ancestors didn't need gym memberships – their daily lives provided all the exercise they needed. While we can't all go back to plowing fields, we can make a conscious effort to incorporate more movement into our days. You don't have to run a marathon, take the stairs, go for a walk, or have a dance party in your living room! Our bodies are wonderfully complex creations, and sometimes, the simplest changes can have the most profound effects. The challenge is to recognize that our mental health is not just about what's happening in our heads – it's about how we're living our lives. It's about the choices we make every day, from when we go to bed, how much time we spend outdoors, and the situations we allow to burden our heart. With all this in mind, I want to encourage you to take a good, hard look at your lifestyle. Are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Or are you, like so many of us, caught up in the whirlwind of modern life, neglecting the basics that keep us balanced? It's time to hold to these small simple habits, and reclaim the joy and peace that God intends for us to have. Take time to reflect—are you giving your body and mind what they need to thrive? Prioritize the small habits that make up your daily life and reclaim the joy and peace God intends for you.

3 Practical Steps to Cultivate Courage

By Kris Vallotton • 03 Sep, 2024
In a world where titles and power often overshadow true leadership, courage often stands as the beacon that inspires and unites us. One of my favorite movies is BraveHeart. If you’re unfamiliar with the classic, allow me to paint a picture of the memorable scene. William Wallace, in the shadow of a castle, his makeshift army at his back, is refusing to compromise with tyranny and is fighting for the freedom of his land. With fierce conviction in his conversation with Robert the Bruce, he declares an iconic line that “men follow courage, not titles.” This courage is not about loud declarations or going with the crowd; it's about standing firm, anchored in your beliefs, even when the world tries to sway back and forth. True courage leads with integrity, inspires others to rise, and remains unwavering in the face of adversity. This is the courage that our world needs today—a courage that doesn't echo old ideas, but leads with fresh tenacity and Heaven inspired vision! Psalm 31:24 tells us to “Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who wait for the Lord.” As we are entering into this new era, the Lord is calling out the courage in people and it is our responsibility to respond to the call and take courage. Here are 3 ways you can be intentional about cultivating courage in your life. 1. Focus on your strengths not your weaknesses. One of the main reasons people don’t act in faith is because they feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. It is so easy to inventory our weaknesses and disqualify ourselves from the historic exploits God has assigned to each of us. We forget that Jesus borrowed a couple of fish and some bread from a boy’s lunch box and fed a multitude. The crowd did not eat rice and beans, because the boy brought fish and loaves. Jesus multiplied what the boy had, not what he did not have. God does not care about what you don’t have. He only cares about what you do have. 2. Face your fear Have you thought about the times in the Bible where the Lord told people to not fear. In Joshua 1:9 he tells Joshua, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I’d like to point out that this was right after Moses, their leader and patriarch for the last 40 years, had died, they were in a new land, and they were about to battle cities that were much larger than them! Fear and uncertainty would be a natural response. Fear is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to define us. Courage is what we find on the other side of fear, when we choose to confront it rather than run from it. It is only in facing our fears that we can conquer them and capture our destiny. 3. Take a risk To be courageous, one must be willing to step into the unknown, to take risks without the guarantee of success. It’s in these moments that true bravery is forged. Oftentimes people will choose to live risk averse because of the fear of uncertainty. However, embracing courage means shifting that perspective—recognizing that the potential for growth, discovery, and success lies just beyond the fear. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision to act despite it. By focusing on the possibilities rather than the pitfalls, one can transform fear into fuel, propelling them forward into new opportunities and experiences. Courage isn’t always the roaring thunder or the blazing lightning that people often imagine. Oftentimes it’s like the steady heartbeat that keeps us moving when the winds of doubt try to knock us down. My prayer is that you will be able to find that quiet strength within yourself—the kind that persists even when the world around you seems uncertain or overwhelming. Courage doesn’t always have to be loud or dramatic; sometimes, it’s found in the small, everyday acts of resilience and determination. My hope is that you will embrace this gentle faith-filled courage, trusting that it will guide you through life’s challenges, one steady step at a time.

It Takes a Lot of Work to Rest

By Kris Vallotton • 07 Aug, 2024
When was the last time you felt truly rested? I don’t mean just a quick nap or a weekend off, but deep, soul-refreshing rest? You may feel like a weary wanderer, trudging through a chaotic, concrete jungle, each step heavy with exhaustion as you attempt the ascension of the corporate ladder. Or maybe you have a feeling of dark clouds of depletion and fatigue looming overhead, the relentless rain of responsibilities drenching you in weariness, with every breath a battle for a brief respite. In our fast-paced, always-connected world, true rest has become as rare as a quiet moment in Times Square! But what if I told you that constantly toeing the line of burnout isn't what God designed and that it's actually possible to achieve more by doing less? I remember a time when I was running on fumes. I was that man who felt a constant cloud of pressure, worry, and never-ending tasks following me every day. I learned quite a bit about rest during that time, unfortunately, it was at the expense of a three-year mental breakdown, Kathy and I having to uproot our family and move to the mountains of Northern California. It quickly became evident I was in need of a deep-seated rest. The Bible speaks to this need for rest. In fact, God Himself set the example by resting on the seventh day after creation. It wasn’t just the Father though, Jesus modeled rest, by escaping to the mountains multiple times after longer periods of ministry. What I am getting at is, God takes rest very seriously! So much so that He even instructed the Israelites in Leviticus 25:1-7 to farm the land for six years, but in the seventh year, the land was meant to have a Sabbath rest. Did you catch that? Even the land needs rest! The need for rest is something that God constructed in the corners of creation. A lifestyle of true rest is something that many people desire but few actually achieve. The truth is that God has designed us to need rest, it’s not a sign of weakness or vulnerability, but rather has been etched into the fabric of your makeup. Here are 3 things that I’ve realized about rest and some tips you can implement in your life to avoid burnout and experience the benefits of the God-given rest that He has created for us to live in! 1. Rest isn’t a natural response in today’s culture. Have you ever run into someone that you haven’t seen in a while? Maybe it was at the grocery store, or at the local park during your kid's Little League game. You strike up a conversation and one of the first questions that someone asks is “ How have you been? ” Often the response goes something like this, “ Oh I’ve been really busy! ” or “ You know, just working a lot. ” Sometimes people will ask the question outright, “ Are you keeping busy? ” I’d like to point out that in American culture it has become normal to be constantly working and neglect the need for rest! Rest is a kingdom concept that God introduced. Interestingly, it's a principle that many people are eager to ignore Let me be clear: I’m not saying we shouldn’t work hard. As Christians, we should be the hardest working people out there because we are working for the Lord, not just for our boss or company. But if you want to implement a consistent and fulfilling cycle of rest in your life, then you have to be okay with going against the grain of culture and embracing the idea of rest when many people don’t! 2. Rest won’t happen by accident. This is one of the most common misconceptions when it comes to rest… Many people believe that once they “catch up” on their work or “get ahead” of their responsibilities then they will have time to rest. The truth is there will always be another task, meeting, or responsibility lurking around the corner waiting to be done. To make matters worse, in today’s culture, we have access to work at our fingertips through smartphones and laptops. In some ways, it’s a great blessing, it allows people the freedom to work from home, and increases productivity for many businesses. However; it comes at a great cost. We aren’t able to “go home” from work. One practical thing you can do is look at your calendar and create an event called “REST.” Block it out and say no to conflicting calendar invitations and create the time to rest because it won’t happen by accident. 3. Proper rest requires proper boundaries. If you don’t manage your life, others will. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. One of the biggest causes of a congested schedule is overcommitting your yes. The truth is if you want to set boundaries that allow you to rest, you're going to have to say no to opportunities and people. This can be especially hard for recovering people pleasers, but if you value your “no” as much as you value your “yes”, then you will be able to create margin to do things that are truly life-giving, and minimize the things that drain you. Let me leave you with three practical steps that you can take right now to help create more rest among a busy schedule! Embrace the idea of rest even when the culture around you doesn't! Make an event, and schedule “rest” in your calendar. Practice your no to something this week and create margin in your calendar for rest. Oftentimes people will fall into the cycle of working, burning out, and then taking a long vacation in an attempt to fix a foundational issue. I’d like to propose that the solution to consistent burnout is a cycle of regular rest. Some of us are trying to do with vacation what God wants us to do as a lifestyle! I encourage you to ask yourself: Am I resisting rest or embracing it? Have I allowed rest to become a consistent rhythm in my life, or have I relinquished control of my life to my calendar?
Show More

NEWSLETTER

Get free digital content from Kris with his weekly newsletter
 
Share by: